I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
