waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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