she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
