So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
