I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
