I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
