my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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