Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
