Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ladies don't puke and tell
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
