I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
