I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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