So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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