Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
