Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize