well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
