just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
