bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize