____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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