Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
