the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize