I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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