this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
