Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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