My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
