Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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