a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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