when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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