no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
