I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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