I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
