I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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