when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize