Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
