i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
