Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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