the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
