he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
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