Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
