Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
