the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
