think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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