so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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