We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There's always time for handjobs
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
