you traded sex for a burrito?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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