If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
