i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
