I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
