i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
