She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
