This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
