Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
