so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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