My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
