I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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