i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
