You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
