I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
