i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize