my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize