i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
